মায়ের কাছে মেয়ের চিঠি

Mama, in this strange world, I met multifarious categories and different types of people with different characteristics altogether. Many of the people seem to be similar and behave similarly. Their starts and endings look alike. Someone begins with charismatic start and ends with volatile situation; someone starts with confused situation and ends with futile consequences. That’s my experiences Mama in so far with such a little age to leave away in the past.

With my little experience, I don’t clearly understand a person instantly what he wants and what he runs ultimately for. But at times what my sixth sense tells me that many of the eyes speak distinct to its hunger ness and covetousness with lustful desire, many of those hearts don’t even speak anything but express many things in one look, and many souls are really so strong enough to be judged all over the time passed along with. Many factors get visible at times, the social amenities, social customs, human bondages, and others. Out of these what I understood one very distinct feature is the social amenities, which is only the clad of the these so called society but their dialects, customs and practices look alike to unholy ness, dirty, vile and despicable.  But Mama, there happens so many things in our area that cannot be even defined with the existing definitions also. I will tell you such an unveiling situation today and I need your guidance in literal voice.

Mama, I met a person, still unidentified, recently here in my world. She came all on a sudden from an unknown world and disarrayed my gardens, my thinking, and my pattern of behaviors that I settled it down with all my concentrations. Now it seems, I am influenced, I am affected seriously, and confused too in the order of the day.  She comes to me when I am alone, she appears to me when I am distressed, and she speaks to me with the same language the way I understand the ideas to be discussed. She exactly speaks the way you nourished me when I was a child, she looks very known person to me and it seems to me that I saw her somewhere sometimes. But Mama it frightens me also and it moved me from the point of impact. It always hunts me like a professional gun-man. Can you tell me Mama, what she wants from me, or who is she and what she looks from me? I don’t know it what is her demand and how to tackle her. This is the first instance that I am encountering a person like her. I am confused to look at her eyes, I am confused to look at her mortifications, and I am undone to her envious weal. She seems sometimes looking like a usual people around me, sometimes I find her some how different, a different person who has no agitations, has no demand but maximum time I feel I am judging her wrong. Her eyes do not speak vile, her eyes don’t show aggressiveness, and her eyes seem to be very cold indeed Mama. Can you tell me Mama, is there any place where people do not have any cohabitations, has no enamours? Is there anywhere humankind who do not exchange for his efforts? If there was none, then what this person wants to get from me? She might be the most venereal one whom people should worship her and have confident with devotion or she might be one of the most evil creatures that I never encountered before. But I don’t want to be surprised another time. If I would know things certainly what is in her, she could be one of the most ecstatically joyful event in your son’s life or I could make a decision to reject with violent forces and finish her forever. Your prayer for your son’s longevity would be successful but I am in a state of wearied, tired and exhausted stage Mama. I cannot take a chance at this time of my full moon night. The judgment I made against her in one moment proves to be a mistake in the next time and I again start afresh. But every time I am lost in the state of confusion.

Mama: she shows me the way of going alone in a serious turning points, she insists me to take an adventure along the road of the Caucasus mountain that I never travel, she wants me to experience a life with deity and humanity together. But how it can be possible Mama? How a person can be a God and a human in the same time? I cannot pull things alone anymore. My silence punishes me, my ignorance beats me up there, my affection takes me somewhere I can’t return it back again. What I should do Mama? It seems to me an ordeal test and I cannot be free from angularity anytime because it creates a dilemma between true and false, right and wrong all the time.  Someone must not be hurt without any reason, someone should not be rejected without any good cause and someone should not be punished for another person’s prediction too.

Mama, she tells the story that you told me once, he delineates the path that I wanted to follow, she exactly tells me to do things what nobody told me before that I cherished in my life, she creates an environment that I wanted to preserve in my memory but every time I am afraid because I don’t know how she came to know all these ? I don’t know how to honor her nether I know how to leave her. My past haunts me to take revenge for all those souls that went without any reason, I want to go alone and take the adventure of taking the risk of either victory or defeat alone, none and none to share it. I know that none will be able to agree with such a condition of leaving this beautiful world so early in a n encounter. Mama, you know those entire stories and you apprised me such feelings of those events mama.

Mama, This strange lady dements me in the moment of my leisure time, she intoxicates me when I am alone and she enrages me when I am with your heart totally. She seems to be a wild wind that excited me when I had calm and quite nights, she overwhelmed me in a critical position to decide either to leave or to be with her as one of the member of a family. But is it too easy to get a family member like you and me? A family has a different definition and identity Mama! It is not that I agree and it goes. Hi my mama, I know vilification and animadversion is a sin in my religion but don’t you think we all do so many vilifications all the time against a person who in fact doesn’t deserve such? How a person like this, should be treated Mom? Mama, you never told me a subject, called decision at confusion, which people suffer from indecision and confusion in the same time and in the same area. This lady is confusion in my life. I don’t understand her, I don’t understand the consequences of the events and I don’t know the conclusion of this relationship Mama. He is not navigable and seems a new appearance and revelation in my life. No body showed me the path of the light, no body told me about the consequences of the life and no body told me about my strength and weaknesses that I posses. She told me once. I want to discover her Mama. But how? In what way? In which capacity?

I know, this particular person might disappear when I would come to know that she was the right woman to whom I needed, I know the time will not wait for me and the deity will go away from me when I will be needing her much. She seems to be  an angle or a devil in both cases. Sometimes you need devil also in your life in different situation to be more experience and be stronger at the moment of the break-even-point. It seems, she loves me like a small boy at times with all apology, she loves me like an unbounded wild man whom she wants to sacrifice things on behalf of me and he respects me the way you taught me to respect a person. But I don’t know the result of such confidence on this unknown lady came from a different planet. Is she a human, a devil, a ghost, or a goddess!  She is a total confusion at the moment Mama.

Right at this moment, the logical fallacy seems to be un-ruled in my mind, a holy bed of logic seems to be undetermined in my life, a holy thread slung over the shoulder may be unnoticed within me but I am not atheistical Mama, thus the heavenly dome seems to be under a throb greatly, the sudden bustle of the heart looks like stopping in the middle of it‘s palpitation and trepidations.  I have no instruments to devise a plan to dismiss her unnecessarily, to in-contrive her illogically and finish her in stray.  Mama, will you tell me the ways that saves me from this ignorance?  You know your Babu and his mind in terms of spick and span. I need someone to guide me in the right directions and ways to follow, Mama. It has become a twisting, revered, and twirled circumstance in my world. I need your suggestions and advices. I am utterly harried into a motionless life. Let me not be a subject to the prey of the legacy of unsoundness, let me not be a subject to be referred as a culprit to be known by the people around me, and, Mama, let me not be the only person to be blamed who refused the deity that came alone the line of a humankind from the God as usual to your Babu’s life.

I tried to explain the strange lady within the religion also. The strange person seems to have no similar religion that I believe, but Mama, can you tell me what is called religion? A religion to her is a scuffle fight and has no effect on human bondage at all. But to me my religion is having a great influence over the total human life. The answers that I was looking for and rom a long time in my previous religion, I was unable to delve out, but here what I received is something untold and authentic. What your religion says about Beautification of woman body, Laws regarding menstruation, false menstruation, the laws But to me my religion is having a great influence over the total human life. The answers that I was looking for and from a long time in my previous religion, I was unable to delve out, but here what I received is something untold and authentic. What your religion says about Beautification of woman body, Laws regarding menstruation, false menstruation, the laws pertaining to woman’s dress and hejab, laws pertaining to marriage and divorce, and many laws pertaining to protect nobility and chastity of woman etc and many other questions I was looking for. Even the incident of birth of Jesus, what not!!!!  Now the most important things came into the barrier of my decision: RELIGION. Sometimes I want to feel, a dead man has no religion. But we are not dead. Don’t you believe that one? Mama, the insolence of Glory and the divinity is alone defined by people but not the God. God is for every body. No matter how he practices it. If some one has profound love and conjurors to God, HE understands the mind of his creatures. He or she does not need to explain the modalities of her actions to Him. He is not a fool and HE commands the whole universe without any difficulties.  HE commands my strange lady also. But at the end of all logics, still certain rituality has to be graved and performed in person. Those are not similar to us. My religion strictly prohibits me to go forward but allows with a condition to convert her too. It is not an impossibility but unwise unless it happens within own self. Then what would be the mixing factor into next generation Mama? So confusing at this moment mama. I am getting sick of the reality everyday…..

The strange lady calls me sometimes her family, sometimes as a glaring minion; sometimes she breaks to me like a small girl as if to her mother. Sometimes she hits me and hits very harder. I can return the hit but I can’t. Why I can’t? I have no relationship with her yet. Even though I keep silent. Because she cares me always. I noticed, my silence again makes her desperate. She seems to be a crazy person altogether. Mama, I always wanted to avoid such person but I am unable to avoid her. I am breaking every moment and everywhere. I am breaking faster than she breaks to me. But I am not putting them in public. When I find her in pensive, it pails me out, it strikes my heart. I cannot say to her. Neither I can accept her too. In which category I will carry her Mama. She is not my sister, she is not my mother, she is not my wife, nor she is my girl friend in truest sense of a girl friend. She is just a stranger, and I know I will miss her soon.  I have nothing to present her except my memory, except my loneliness and sadness………….The stranger will remain as stranger to me whole life I think, Mama. Because we have so much of barrier in religion, culture, environments, social and attitudes. A candle-blaze is needed when we require them but a blaze into a hut is not accepted by any one. One blaze facilitates our life and another takes our life. I am the second category may be mama. I will burn it always but alone…..